It was not my fault...

About 5 years ago, I was raped. It took me years to actually call it for what it was. I was so ashamed of what had happened and blamed it all on myself until I had finally disclosed this information to my boyfriend. It took me quite some time to tell him about it, because again, I thought it was my fault. Once I told him everything that happened, he erased my guilt and helped me see my situation for what it was - rape.

The reason I’m sharing this story is not only with the hope of bringing clarity to someone else haunted by guilt, but to also do what I couldn’t 5 years ago by saying something. I held it in for so long and going through it alone put a massive weight on my shoulders. The rape itself didn’t break me, but the guilt of what I thought I had allowed to happen to me almost did.

During college, there were a group of guys who threw frequent parties at their house. I often attended these parties and normally hooked up with one of the guys who lived there whenever I’d go over. All of these “hook-ups” were something that I wanted. Though I was intoxicated every time, I did want to have sex with him, I want to get that straight. For the sake of this story, let’s call this guy Kyler.

Fast forward to the night of the rape… I was at one of their house parties and had gotten horribly drunk. So much so that I knew I was about to pass out. Since I was comfortable with Kyler, I went to go lay down in his bed to try and go to sleep. Kyler came in and thought I was trying to have sex when I was clearly not capable of doing so. I remember being so drunk I was just talking without even knowing I was. When he came in, he asked, “I’ve been wanting to try something, can I bring someone in?” Unfortunately, I just laid there and said, “yes.” Now this is why I blamed myself for so long - because I remember saying that fucking word, even though I didn’t mean it or know what exactly he was talking about.

Once Kyler left the room, I blacked out and fell asleep. He came back in with a guy who we are going to call Brent. I do not remember how things got started, as I said I blacked out. I remember waking up in the middle of their fun, but everything I saw was in tunnel vision. So with blackness all around the blurry room, I woke up to Brent in between my legs using a vibrator on me. I looked past him and saw Kyler standing against the wall just watching as if he were supervising what was going on. I don’t even know how to explain in detail how this looked through my eyes.

I instantly became paralyzed and couldn’t do anything to help myself. I had never felt that way before and was confused as to why I couldn’t just get up or tell them to stop. This was another reason why I blamed myself. I thought I was allowing it to happen because I did nothing about it. I later found out that getting raped can induce “tonic immobility” or “rape-induced paralysis.” It was not my fault for doing nothing to stop it.

Along with the tunnel vision, I had an out of body experience where I just floated in the top corner of the room and watched these boys take turns using a vibrator on my limp, unconscious body. It was like my soul had left my body and because my body and soul were separated, I wasn’t capable of stopping it. My soul couldn’t get my body up nor could it speak out loud to tell them to stop and my body was just that - there was nothing inside me.

The next thing I remember is my dear friend busting the door open - trying to help me get up and dressed. I’m tearing up as I’m typing this just knowing that I had this great friend to help me out of this situation. If she did not come in and help, nobody would have ever known this story. She was trying to find me the entire time and eventually found out I was in the room with them. Trying to make light of this story, I will never forget how bad ass my best friend looked busting the door open with such a “don’t fuck with me” attitude. She then helped me get into the car and took me home. I don’t remember anything else that happened that night. My friend and I were talking about it years later and she informed me that I had told her they both had intercourse with me - which I have no recollection of.

If I was coherent, I would have never allowed ANY of that to happen. I would have never let Kyler bring Brent in - one, because I wasn’t down for that and two, I wasn’t even attracted to Brent in the slightest bit. I would have never let him touch my body. I would have never let them both have intercourse with me. There’s so much I don’t know about how it all went down. I don’t know if they wore condoms, I don’t know if they finished inside me, I don’t know if they had asked me, and I don’t know what my response was. I would have never allowed them to use a toy on me. One, I was only comfortable with using toys with someone I had a special connection with. Two, I have no idea where the fuck this vibrator came from. Kyler just had it. Did he buy it knowing full well he was going to use it when he had the opportunity to take advantage of someone? Had it been used before? Did someone he had previously had sex with just leave the vibrator behind? Where the fuck has this vibrator been? I am utterly repulsed. Lastly, I would have never even had sex with Kyler that night because I was UNCONSCIOUS.

So many questions about that night filled my head but I did not care to talk to either of them after that night. I literally never even met Brent before he so fucking kindly put a vibrator on my clitoris. Not too long after that night, I was working at Texas Roadhouse as a server. I go to greet one of my tables and in the middle of my introduction, I turn my head to realize I am looking Brent in the eyes while he looked so casual as if he never took advantage of an unconscious stranger before. My stomach dropped and I didn’t know if I should ask someone else to take my table or not. I didn't know if I wanted to get away or put on a brave face to pretend like it didn't hurt me. I just went into auto-mode and served them without feeling anything.

Another time, I remember going out to a bar with a girlfriend. Quite a few people we knew were there that night. When I wasn’t around my friend, and off doing my own thing, some guy we knew pulled my friend aside and thought it was his business to tell her about that night - or what he thought had happened. My friend then came up to me and said that he told her about my “threesome.” My fucking threesome?! No. It was my rape. I then found out that Kyler and Brent had told people that that whore Paige had a threesome with them. They didn’t use the term “whore” that I knew about, but that’s how it felt. People I knew were spreading word that I had a threesome with these two guys and that enraged me. As if I needed one more thing to damage my already bad reputation with guys.

As I said in the beginning, I held this in for years. I didn’t even tell my best friend who helped me that night that I had said, “yes,” because in my mind it was still my fault and I needed someone on my side. Once I finally opened up to my boyfriend about it, I told him every detail, even that I said, “yes,” and he assured me that it was not my fault and that I did not allow this to happen. He assured me that it is not consent when I am blacked out, let alone any level of intoxicated. This is also when I learned that rape-induced paralysis is a common defense mechanism to being raped. I had a few people consistently encouraging me to press charges and do something about it, but because it had been years, I thought it would be ridiculous and I’m ashamed to do anything so much later after it happened. I also made so many excuses for these guys such as, “what if they didn’t know,” “what if I was acting normal,” “what if I sounded like I enjoyed it,” “what if,” “what if,” “what if,”……

This is not a fond memory of mine, but it did not brake me. THEY did not brake me. In fact, the rape itself is not what haunted me, it was the guilt of what I thought I had allowed, but now I know that I am not to blame. I think the fact that I thought it was my fault helped me cope in a way because for so long I was convincing myself I wasn’t raped - but I was and I can finally call it for what it was. I wish I could go back in time and not blame myself for the disgusting things that were done to my body. I wish I could have told someone everything sooner. I wish that I would have gone to an authoritative figure to see what I should have done. I wish they knew what they did to me. I wish that I told someone in case they did this to someone else after me. There are so many things I wish I would’ve done differently, but after that, I learned how to better protect myself. I have always been a strong person, but my guilt weakened me. Coming clean and talking about it is what gave me my strength back. If there is anybody out there reading this going through something similar, first and foremost, I’m sorry. Secondly, talk to someone. It will help you.

5 years ago, I was raped and it was not my fault.